The Fatherless
Before I married my second husband, I remember telling him that I never wanted to be with a man who wasn't an active role in his children's lives. I remember telling him that if he didn't pay his child support and was not actively involved with his children, then there would be no relationship. He assured me that he was. And so we began to date.
As time went on and we were married, I saw that he always had his son on the weekends that he was supposed to. Sometimes it took a bit of planning because the boy lived hours away but his mother was always willing to meet us half way. He always paid his child support and talked to his son on the phone as much as he could given the circumstance.
His older daughter lived about an hour away and although we tried hard to be active in her life, she always managed to push her father away because of her busy schedule and the fact that her mother always wanted to be involved any time that he wanted to spend time with his daughter. He could have tried harder in my opinion but she rejected him and I never understood why.
As time went on, it became clearer to me that everything he said about his children and their relationship were lies. He started to pull his own man and eventually stopped trying all together to have anything to do with (especially) his son who was early middle school aged at that time. I realized that I was the only one trying to keep a relationship between the two above water. I was the one reminding him to call the boy, I was the one calling his ex wife to make arrangements to drive 3 hours, half way, to pick the boy up. All of this while I had my own children to look out for. We were divorced six years after we were married and he has since met a woman online and moved to the Philippines to marry her.
My first husband was a great dad when we were married. He was always there for our three children, he defended them and tried hard to guide them. He had an affair when I was pregnant with my second child and she bore a boy. He never had anything to do with this boy and the mother moved to Nebraska. Soon enough though, he would ask questions and when he was about 15 or 16, met his father and my children for the first and one of the last times. He spent his 21st birthday with us last year as he and his mom had moved back to Texas. He even came to a few of my youngest daughters soccer games. The kids all try to keep in contact with each other these days.
We were married nine years when I found out he had a nasty little drug habit that he couldn't kick. Turns out that I actually never knew him sober. The man that I knew and was married to was a walking coke head, soon-to-turn meth addict. Almost immediately after we were divorced, I saw the change in him. He was free to do as he pleased and this consisted of partying, bringing multiple women home around our three children, and attempting to overdose several times. As if this didn't already put a wedge in his relationship with the kids, his drug use and violence forced me to obtain two back-to-back Protective Orders that lasted for two years each. During this time, he shacked up with a young girl and got her pregnant twice. She was 18 for Christ sake and we were both well into our thirties. She bore two girls and was a meth addict and drug user as well.
Fast forward to today...
Although it makes me extremely sad that my second ex husband abandoned his children, my concern is my own children who have suffered tremendously over the loss of their father as well.
My children's father has six kids with three women. I ask myself how this happened when this was a man that I was with for half of my life at that time. Seems we would have gone through heaven or hell to be together only for things to turn out the way that they did.
Although my son, who is almost 25 now, lived with his father for a short time, recently he threw him out telling him that he was a loser and that he didn't want anything to do with him. He told my son that he was ashamed of him. This, after his father was absent most of his life. I remember my son crying himself to sleep when he was younger wondering where Daddy was and why he wouldn't come get him. I remember a night when my son was maybe 10, he called me into his room after bedtime to listen to a song that reminded him of his Daddy. It was 'The Reason' by Hoobastank. My son said that he wished his dad would say these things to him. It was heartbreaking. All I could think of was that my son was lying in bed trying to go to sleep and all he could think of was his father. 15 years later and I still can not listen to that song without crying. My son almost begged for a relationship with his father.
My middle daughter, who will be 23 in August, has little to no contact with her father. This was my rebel child. The child that always took Daddy's side, no matter the harm and havoc he was creating in our lives. She often chose to live with him and he separated me from my daughter and filled her head full of lies and hateful things about me. Since circumstances don't allow him to physically see her, he wrote her off as well.
My youngest daughter will be 18 in January. She has, by far, suffered the most at the hands of her father. She was 18 months old when I divorced him and asked him to leave the home. He never bonded with her and often called her "my" child. Birthday parties were ignored, band concerts were ignored, church choir recitals were ignored and so many Father's Days were spent with Mama. No Daddy. My daughter has been playing soccer for nearly 11 years. I can remember one game that he showed up to after my daughter and I had been inviting him for years. My girl was elated! He stayed for about 20 minutes and turned his back and walked away. I will never forget my daughter standing in the middle of the soccer field, mid game, with her hands in the air, crying and yelling "Where is he going? Did you say something to him?" Needless to say, she was inconsolable for the remainder of the game and had to sit on the bench. For years she begged him to have a relationship with her and although she knew Mama was always there, there was always a void for her father, especially because he had somewhat of a relationship with her older siblings. Perhaps "relationship" isn't even the right word - they communicated, whereas months, sometimes years would go by before my youngest had any kind of communication with her father. She always asked what she did so wrong and why he wrote her off. In the last year, she tried to reach out to her father through Facebook and after a few brief conversations, he told her to leave him alone and never to contact him again calling her a spoiled little brat and a mama's girl, then he blocked her.
The two little girls that were born after we divorced were also abandoned soon after birth. Thankfully, their grandmother on the mothers side adopted them. She is a wonderful mother and after about eight years of separation and my daughter always asking about them, they were reunited, after I realized that the grandmother had them all these years. This reunion came with a bit of sad news for my kids though, we found out that the the youngest wasn't even half related to my children. All these years, my kids referred to their sisters, only to find out there was biologically only one. My kids have huge hearts though and they don't care. They are both still their sisters. The love in the room was undeniable. These girls have been asking about each other, longing for each other for many years and we finally made it happen. It was such an emotional reunion and there wasn't a dry eye in the room. The love between these two sisters will remain forever and there will be many more days like this with less tears.
My first husband is remarried as well and doesn't take care of any of his five biological children. What kind of woman would hook up with a man who has abandoned his children when they're screaming for his love? What kind of man walks away from five beautiful, healthy children that he created and share his DNA? How does this man sleep at night knowing his children are in one way or another, heartbroken from abandonment? We women have raised strong, independent children who I have heard say "I don't need my dad in my life" but at one point or another, they will be wishing he was there. When they graduate from high school or when the girls walk down the isle or when they start families of their own. I already have a grandson and his "grandfather" missed that too.
I will never understand the separation between all these innocent children. The little ones didn't even know they had another brother from Nebraska. How one man could deter so many lives from his absence is beyond me. I'm pretty sure that his presence would do more damage than what's already been created from being absent. Only three of the five children that he created are mine but I love them all. The other three hold such a special place in my heart because they are a part of my kids' lives. None of these children asked for this life but they all have one thing in common. Regardless of who their biological father or mother is, they are all loved beyond measure and as happy as their mothers are to share these children with me, I share my children with them as well. They say it takes a village to raise a child, especially when they're fatherless.
As time went on and we were married, I saw that he always had his son on the weekends that he was supposed to. Sometimes it took a bit of planning because the boy lived hours away but his mother was always willing to meet us half way. He always paid his child support and talked to his son on the phone as much as he could given the circumstance.
His older daughter lived about an hour away and although we tried hard to be active in her life, she always managed to push her father away because of her busy schedule and the fact that her mother always wanted to be involved any time that he wanted to spend time with his daughter. He could have tried harder in my opinion but she rejected him and I never understood why.
As time went on, it became clearer to me that everything he said about his children and their relationship were lies. He started to pull his own man and eventually stopped trying all together to have anything to do with (especially) his son who was early middle school aged at that time. I realized that I was the only one trying to keep a relationship between the two above water. I was the one reminding him to call the boy, I was the one calling his ex wife to make arrangements to drive 3 hours, half way, to pick the boy up. All of this while I had my own children to look out for. We were divorced six years after we were married and he has since met a woman online and moved to the Philippines to marry her.
My first husband was a great dad when we were married. He was always there for our three children, he defended them and tried hard to guide them. He had an affair when I was pregnant with my second child and she bore a boy. He never had anything to do with this boy and the mother moved to Nebraska. Soon enough though, he would ask questions and when he was about 15 or 16, met his father and my children for the first and one of the last times. He spent his 21st birthday with us last year as he and his mom had moved back to Texas. He even came to a few of my youngest daughters soccer games. The kids all try to keep in contact with each other these days.
We were married nine years when I found out he had a nasty little drug habit that he couldn't kick. Turns out that I actually never knew him sober. The man that I knew and was married to was a walking coke head, soon-to-turn meth addict. Almost immediately after we were divorced, I saw the change in him. He was free to do as he pleased and this consisted of partying, bringing multiple women home around our three children, and attempting to overdose several times. As if this didn't already put a wedge in his relationship with the kids, his drug use and violence forced me to obtain two back-to-back Protective Orders that lasted for two years each. During this time, he shacked up with a young girl and got her pregnant twice. She was 18 for Christ sake and we were both well into our thirties. She bore two girls and was a meth addict and drug user as well.Fast forward to today...
Although it makes me extremely sad that my second ex husband abandoned his children, my concern is my own children who have suffered tremendously over the loss of their father as well.
My children's father has six kids with three women. I ask myself how this happened when this was a man that I was with for half of my life at that time. Seems we would have gone through heaven or hell to be together only for things to turn out the way that they did.
Although my son, who is almost 25 now, lived with his father for a short time, recently he threw him out telling him that he was a loser and that he didn't want anything to do with him. He told my son that he was ashamed of him. This, after his father was absent most of his life. I remember my son crying himself to sleep when he was younger wondering where Daddy was and why he wouldn't come get him. I remember a night when my son was maybe 10, he called me into his room after bedtime to listen to a song that reminded him of his Daddy. It was 'The Reason' by Hoobastank. My son said that he wished his dad would say these things to him. It was heartbreaking. All I could think of was that my son was lying in bed trying to go to sleep and all he could think of was his father. 15 years later and I still can not listen to that song without crying. My son almost begged for a relationship with his father.
My middle daughter, who will be 23 in August, has little to no contact with her father. This was my rebel child. The child that always took Daddy's side, no matter the harm and havoc he was creating in our lives. She often chose to live with him and he separated me from my daughter and filled her head full of lies and hateful things about me. Since circumstances don't allow him to physically see her, he wrote her off as well.
My youngest daughter will be 18 in January. She has, by far, suffered the most at the hands of her father. She was 18 months old when I divorced him and asked him to leave the home. He never bonded with her and often called her "my" child. Birthday parties were ignored, band concerts were ignored, church choir recitals were ignored and so many Father's Days were spent with Mama. No Daddy. My daughter has been playing soccer for nearly 11 years. I can remember one game that he showed up to after my daughter and I had been inviting him for years. My girl was elated! He stayed for about 20 minutes and turned his back and walked away. I will never forget my daughter standing in the middle of the soccer field, mid game, with her hands in the air, crying and yelling "Where is he going? Did you say something to him?" Needless to say, she was inconsolable for the remainder of the game and had to sit on the bench. For years she begged him to have a relationship with her and although she knew Mama was always there, there was always a void for her father, especially because he had somewhat of a relationship with her older siblings. Perhaps "relationship" isn't even the right word - they communicated, whereas months, sometimes years would go by before my youngest had any kind of communication with her father. She always asked what she did so wrong and why he wrote her off. In the last year, she tried to reach out to her father through Facebook and after a few brief conversations, he told her to leave him alone and never to contact him again calling her a spoiled little brat and a mama's girl, then he blocked her.
The two little girls that were born after we divorced were also abandoned soon after birth. Thankfully, their grandmother on the mothers side adopted them. She is a wonderful mother and after about eight years of separation and my daughter always asking about them, they were reunited, after I realized that the grandmother had them all these years. This reunion came with a bit of sad news for my kids though, we found out that the the youngest wasn't even half related to my children. All these years, my kids referred to their sisters, only to find out there was biologically only one. My kids have huge hearts though and they don't care. They are both still their sisters. The love in the room was undeniable. These girls have been asking about each other, longing for each other for many years and we finally made it happen. It was such an emotional reunion and there wasn't a dry eye in the room. The love between these two sisters will remain forever and there will be many more days like this with less tears.My first husband is remarried as well and doesn't take care of any of his five biological children. What kind of woman would hook up with a man who has abandoned his children when they're screaming for his love? What kind of man walks away from five beautiful, healthy children that he created and share his DNA? How does this man sleep at night knowing his children are in one way or another, heartbroken from abandonment? We women have raised strong, independent children who I have heard say "I don't need my dad in my life" but at one point or another, they will be wishing he was there. When they graduate from high school or when the girls walk down the isle or when they start families of their own. I already have a grandson and his "grandfather" missed that too.
I will never understand the separation between all these innocent children. The little ones didn't even know they had another brother from Nebraska. How one man could deter so many lives from his absence is beyond me. I'm pretty sure that his presence would do more damage than what's already been created from being absent. Only three of the five children that he created are mine but I love them all. The other three hold such a special place in my heart because they are a part of my kids' lives. None of these children asked for this life but they all have one thing in common. Regardless of who their biological father or mother is, they are all loved beyond measure and as happy as their mothers are to share these children with me, I share my children with them as well. They say it takes a village to raise a child, especially when they're fatherless.
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